Dear Mr. 'postrophe:

I have been living in Taiwan for 5.3 months and need some help using the toilet. Even the McDonalds lack Western facilities. Is there a book or pamphlet I can read?

-Aint Got Squat

Dear Squaint:

My advice to you is auto asphyxiation. There are plenty of videos on the internet but the basic idea is to get a noose and a lemon. First, hold your breath. The pressure will help expunge your bowels and keep you from choking on the fetid fumes in the squat zone. The noose will keep you from falling backwards into the floor filth, and the lemon will wake you back up.

The culprit here is ultimately wealth. In Western countries, chairs are abundant. We never learn to squat properly (resting back on the heels of your feet, not the balls of your feet) and pay a hefty price at the book store, grocery aisle, or any of the other numerous times you need to not stand. Just look at any photo of India and you will most likely see hundreds of people squatting comfortably for hours on nature's own seat, which comes onboard. No need for peripherals. There's nothing like factory chair!

Dear Mr. 'postrophe:

I'm an avid film lover and huge fan of series TV on television.  After a busy day, I love to turn on the tube and enjoy a show.  The problem is my wife.  She has horrible taste in TV and even worse in film.  We can never agree on a decent show to watch.  Can you offer any suggestions?

Estranger in an Estrangeland.

Dear Essss:

Sometimes it's hard to bridge cultural gaps without the aid of knowledge, compromise, or respect.  Which does beg the question, why did you marry this person?  Surely a marriage built upon such toilet paper pedestals would have crumbled into the tepid Formosan sea, warmed with the nuclear runoff of myopic short-term goals, systemic regulation failures, and virally endemic corruption.  (I'm talking about your marriage crisis, not the Nuclear Energy scandals in Taiwan.)    

As for your Entertainment Crisis, the entire set of all magnum opi in the entirety of film -- I'm talking about every film that was ever or will ever be made, envies the suspension of disbelief you white guys impart with your Mannequinian mateship.  How much intimacy did you really hope to achieve?  I'm guessing TV isn't the only point of departure in your bungled union with this significant other.  Shouldn't the question be something like, How can I achieve more substantial mental intimacy and mind meld with my partner?  How can I begin foraging a bridge across the chasm left by the hostage of my orgasm?  

Turn off the TV.  Turn on your wife.  Less escape and more escapades.  With enough patience, hard work, and knowledge, I'm confident you will be able to enjoy every season of Friends with her eventually.  

Dear Mr. 'postrophe:

I am 24 years old Taiwan girl. Come from Tainan so family is important. I have met American guy at pub. He is 38, charming. We have been together for 3 years now. Plan to get married next Spring. I found some child porn on his computer. How should I handle this?

-Hello Kiddie

Dear Hello Kiddie:

The bad news is, you’re dating a monster. The good news is, you live in Asia. Children’s rights is still in its infancy so Mr. Right will probably never have to go to jail. If he does, you can apply for conjugal visits and still have his child, whom, ironically, will be spared incest and rape under these circumstances. Win-win!

Dear Mr. 'postrophe:

I have been dating a fun-loving, adventurous girl for the past 8 months. Things are great. She’s low maintenance and gets along with all my friends. But recently I met a hotter girl that has her own car. I’m not sure how compatible we are, but her emoticon text messages are really cute. I know that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but it’d be great to have wheels. Should I risk it?

-Dilemma in Danshui

Dear Dilemma:

Love is a beautiful thing. So is a baby. But they both get ugly real quick when we open them up and start looking around inside. I find it sick and debasing, the way guys will compare girlfriend accouterments here like auto-protection plans. It says a lot about the rugged immaturity of the male condition when the first answer to any question about relationships is, “her dad owns a factory.” But if you’re in the shallow end of the gene pool, might as well get a tan. So I propose: Chinese Girlfriend Trading Cards. They’re like baseball cards, with the stats on the back.

Coco: 93 lbs, 28 years old, rich parents, 12 pm curfew.

Actually, the horrific thing is that this data is readily available and bandied around shamelessly. So it’d be nice to see a realistic Dating Card, for everyone on the scene.

Coco: bulemic & moody, 28 (Lunar) years old, domineering mother-in-law, STDs.

Rick: overweight, cheap, funny when drunk, can't fuck.

Dear Mr. 'postrophe:

I am from America. I have been here for over 10 years, but my family back in the U.S. can’t seem to understand that I live in Taiwan, not Thailand. Although it was nice receiving gift packages and money during the Tsunami, I feel embarrassed for my wife and in-laws. How can I teach them World Geography?

-Gifted in Guting

Dear Guffted:

Teaching Americans World Geography is the “Holy Grail” of most educational paradigms. Taiwan will have to wait in line behind Iraq, Afghanistan, and 82% of America’s own cities. Most Americans have no idea where anything else in America is, much less the Middle East, despite financing the most expensive war in history there.

There is hope, though. Thanks to the History Channel, some of the older generation knows the general whereabouts of England. And WWII-based gaming has opened up the youth’s geographical palette to include France, Germany, and a couple of weird sounding countries. I suggest you hire a computer programmer to create a MMORPG called Chan-Craft.