Dear Mr. 'postrophe:

I have been living in Taiwan for 5.3 months and need some help using the toilet. Even the McDonalds lack Western facilities. Is there a book or pamphlet I can read?

-Aint Got Squat

Dear Squaint:

My advice to you is auto asphyxiation. There are plenty of videos on the internet but the basic idea is to get a noose and a lemon. First, hold your breath. The pressure will help expunge your bowels and keep you from choking on the fetid fumes in the squat zone. The noose will keep you from falling backwards into the floor filth, and the lemon will wake you back up.

The culprit here is ultimately wealth. In Western countries, chairs are abundant. We never learn to squat properly (resting back on the heels of your feet, not the balls of your feet) and pay a hefty price at the book store, grocery aisle, or any of the other numerous times you need to not stand. Just look at any photo of India and you will most likely see hundreds of people squatting comfortably for hours on nature's own seat, which comes onboard. No need for peripherals. There's nothing like factory chair!